You'll Think Of Me

This weekend was a slap in the face.

A hard pinch back to reality.

Sometimes the answers that I cannot find on my own I find through country music. Let me tell you...all I have been listening to lately is country music.

I was reading and I came across this quote, and I don't think it can be anymore accurate:

“A man can easily change his mind about a woman. He can very easily go from seeing a woman as “Relationship Material” to someone he’s just dating until the right one comes along.  But…"


I'm sure males are rolling their eyes at the very minute, or are thinking "typical girl statement" , but let's be real. Isn't it funny how the male usually works harder at first, and just stops? Isn't it funny how the girl normally could care less at first, and when she starts to care those feelings are not reciprocated back?


Yeah, shit sucks.


Not every female is an angel, but from personal experience and observation: this quote seems pretty spot on. 


The "rebound girlfriend." The "emotional placeholder." 


That "girlfriend" figure after a serious relationship who a guy uses to regain his emotional stability. I'm not talking about one night rebound hookups either.


You know, I'd rather a guy just use me for one night, rather than him string me along for years at a time. As females, why do we give guys the benefits of having a girlfriend, but without the title? [ for example: scratching their back every night to put them to sleep, make them their favorite desserts/buy them food even though they can't get fast food for you, write their papers, listening to their vents, and giving them what they want physically even though deep down you know they would hook up with other girls and not feel bad about it...]


Why am I writing about this now you may wonder?


Everyone has someone that I hangout with...it has gotten to the point where its beginning to effect my self esteem. 


Maybe not "everyone" has someone, but the majority of my friends do. My friend Ellen, who understands where I am coming from, had a healthy discussion about it with me this weekend. I may be "dating" someone, but in the end I am still "single" and it hurts I'm not going to lie. Why do I allow myself to get involved with people who are not ready yet for another serious commitment? Why do I go into "denial mode" and tell myself that things will change soon... It's sad to have a broken heart when you've been "single" for about 3 years now...


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The Power Of Timing

Ever notice how in one moment someone may be in your life, and the next moment they are gone? It's funny how traumatic experiences can alter your thoughts. I have also noticed that during times of struggle those who you would least expect to step up to the plate...actually do.

About two weeks ago I was driving to my friend's house, the weather was terrible outside, and the roads were drenched. I was five minutes into my trip when a tree and a power line fell on my car. Although I had hit my head, there was just enough adrenaline pumping through my body to get me out of the car. I fell afterwards and just laid in the road crying in pain until I was placed in a woman's land rover. All of this was a blurr, but I do remember the three thoughts running through my head:

1. Holy fuck I'm dizzy...did a tree SERIOUSLY fall on my car?
2. My family do not need to deal with another issue, I wish I didn't have to go to the hospital. What is wrong with me?
3. I need to tell him.

Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you.

I sent my "him" a very incoherent text, but I was set on doing it said the man in the ambulance. Granted it may have not been the best decision, for medical purposes, to try to focus on a task such as texting after your face slams onto a steering wheel. It's funny what you will disregard when you care for someone.

My parents were amazing throughout the whole thing. I am so blessed.

My phone was turned off during my long time spent in the ER, but when I turned it on I was pleasantly surprised. A good friend of mine who I had lost touch with for these past few months, had texted me asking "how are things?"

Weird timing huh? I'd definitely say so.

I told them (in a drugged state) what had happened, and I will leave it at that. Myself and my friends have never been so impressed with that person as they were when I told them. Life and friendship work in funny ways. It never ceases to amaze me.

While in the ER I thought about many things; mainly my current relationships with people. I want to be better because they deserve better. I don't want to close them out anymore, but rather let them in. I want to be nicer, and show them my appreciation because who they are is what makes them great...and me a better person.

This blog may not be as in depth and intuitive as the others, but I just wanted to thank those who I love (yall know who you are) for their support and kindness, and for putting up with my "diva-ness." This is the start of a new, beautiful thing.

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What A Week Of Love Has Taught Me

I believe people come into your life for a reason. This week I attended the Lester-Allen wedding in Columbus, Ohio. As the ceremony came to a close, we read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

As I turned my head away from my brother in hopes that he wouldn't see me tear up I thought to myself: "Is there really a perfect love?"

No. While every relationship, in a perfect world, should meet the above criteria...they don't. That would be impossible. 

In this blog I will discuss the parts that I believe from past experiences, and from what I have observed to be most important and true:

1. Love is patient

2. It keeps no record of wrongs.

3. It rejoices with the truth...always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always preserves.

Love is patient, but how? Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow-that is patience.

Patience is beautiful when mature enough to fully comprehend its' true meaning. Nothing in life, especially relationships, come easy. 

I was surrounded by relationships this week...some fought more than others, but when it came down to it, there was deep admiration for each other. I hope one day I will be in a relationship where regardless of what we do to each other we will ALWAYS share one thing in common. Unconditional love. 

How does love keep no record of wrongs? It's simple...when you deeply care for someone you don't hold onto the mistakes they have made. No one is perfect. It is the hard times that make the good times more meaningful.

For example, my first "real" love, is the prime example of not holding record of wrongs. I don't share this with many people, but he is the root to many of my insecurities. Things were great at first. He made me happy, and I was ecstatic that someone else made me feel like I was worth it. A few months into dating I went on a date with him, and my best friend came along. Strangely the whole night he paid more attention to my friend than me...the next day he broke up with me and started to date my friend a week later. I can't even describe how hurt I was. They only lasted for two weeks, but of course he came back to me. I forgave him. Afterwards for six months consistently he made my life hell. The things he would say to me I didn't think I could ever forgive him for, but I did. 

One example that really stuck out to me was one day we were talking about physical appearances, he knew I was insecure about my appearance, but he asked me: "On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate yourself?" Shocked by this question, I honestly answered him saying, "I don't know...not very high. Maybe a 5?" 

You know what he said to me?

"Wrong. I would rate you a 3...at the highest."

It was that sort of stuff I went through every day. Never EVER, will I leave myself being that vulnerable again. The hurt I felt still gets to me today from time to time.

 Now it truthfully was a question of his maturity, but boys will be boys. We had a falling out over the summer as every highschool relationship endures one point or another. He transferred schools, so it wasn't even possible for us to try dating again, but he begged for my companionship still...

I said yes, regardless of the hurt I felt, I can't hold grudges against those who I cared for.

And you know what? I am glad I forgave him. We are great friends now, and he has apologized to me several times. He has gone through a few girlfriends since me, and from his words he has said that ours was the most influential to him. When I need him to give me male advice, or a shoulder to cry on he has reached up and above the limits to help me out. 

Loving someone also means to not only hope for the best, but to KNOW that the best is only yet to come.

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The Road Not Taken... Was That The Best Choice?

Why is it so easy to get into a situation, but so hard to get out of one?

What does it take to get out of it? When is enough, enough?

Each question is applicable to finances, friendships, relationships, addictions, and personal struggles. Each issue is derived by the power of choice. Through free will we will continue to bury ourselves in a deep hole, and through free will we will continue to place burdens on our loved ones. Regardless of your religious beliefs, God or no God, life does work in a "puzzle like manner". In retrospect, each past event is a mere piece of life's puzzle, that connects with one another, to reach to the finished product of today.

Cliche' I know, but true.

The choices we make now will influence the choices we make later in life. As Robert Frost claimed in his poem, The Road not Taken, there is a powerful essence in free will. How can one simple choice play an ultimate role in who we are later in life?

Hell as if I know, but all I can emphasize to y'all is to really sit back, take a deep breath, and evaluate the life altering decisions that are placed upon our plates. Because as I stated earlier, once your deep in the game there is no "easy way out."

Growing up I made plenty of poor decisions. Believe me, you are preaching to the choir when it comes to this topic. I came close to: failing my junior year, attending Catholic Boarding School (it may be funny now, but it was my reality), attending an eating disorder clinic, and other clinics which are too personal to out right mention. I don't care for a pity party in the slightest bit when I throw my past out there, and I don't care for questioning. I only say these truths because from personal experience I truly believe the message of this blog.

Honestly today I make similar mistakes, but I only make them when I don't evaluate my situation and act off of raw emotion. Every time in retrospect I think to myself, "God, WHY did I do that again?! Did I not learn the first hundred times?!"  But why go so hard on myself? I just need to boost my focus.

Don't ever discount the importance of focus. Imagine a garden hose trying to water a lawn. If there are only a few holes, the hose can still function. However, if there are too many holes, eventually the pressure through the hose can no longer give water to the nozzle. Too many distractions cause the flow to lose its power.

This is true to humans too.


We, as humans, will lose focus on what is important and life and get side tracked. The only important things in life are(in no particular order): friends, family, and love.

Discover your "main thing" and stick with it.

What are you waiting for?

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Why Dwell On The Past?

Know how everyone says to not dwell on the past because it will only bring you down?

Well I say false.

"Remember what you have, and remember what you lost."

Please note that I am not saying this in a " miss your ex or past friendships" sort of manner, but in a manner where you do need to dwell on your mistakes because life works in a cyclical fashion naturally, and we need to prevent them from entering our lives once more.

Ever notice how people go back to their exes, or forgive too easily? Ever had a friend who continued to make the same mistake depending on the topic over and over again?

When I remember what "I lost", I remember those who broke me down, made me cry, used me, and talked poorly about me. I remember they were selfish, hateful, conceited, arrogant, and inconsiderate. Even today I question myself why do I put myself in the same place continuously? Why do I think people will change?

Here's the sad reality: they don't.

If someone fails you once, twice,  I am 90% sure they will fail you a third time again...
Now depending on what they failed you on, they could possibly change. For example, I had a close guy friend (I thought we were at least), who was the KING of failure. Every week it was something different, and EVERY week I thought "this week will be better". Truth of the fact was: he sucked.

Believe it or not this went on for two years. Two years that I can't ever take back. Once I truly dwelled on that I was able to realize my self worth and let go.

Now onto the positives...

What I have now: friends who care for me. Just yesterday a good friend of mine from school messaged me saying how they miss having a true friend constantly by their side.

Friendship, a true one, can be one of the most rewarding experiences. Although; they do not come easily. So appreciate what you have, hold on tight, and don't let go. Conflicts arise in every relationship regardless of its' nature and severity.

Nelson Mandela once said that the key to forgiveness and reconciling relationships is to try as best as possible to understand what another has gone through. 


WHY FIGHT SO MUCH?! Conflict only shrivels up the soul, and strips us of our sanity. People need to understand better, but before we have a deeper understanding some need to learn the importance of patience. Not everyone understands as easily. It's not that I don't want to understand, but I have seen an issue only in one light for the majority of a lifetime, and a simple sentence won't alter my thought process automatically. Now I am no angel in this issue. There are definitely times my frustration has taken over my rationality. We learn a great deal through pain. Why don't we take that pain, and transfer it into something healthier? Why not transfer that anger into solving the issue rather than being stuck in our own damn mindsets? When someone tells me they are frustrated with me, why don't we work towards an understanding of each other rather than just being "over it". I think that is a question of maturity, but hey, we are young. What is there to expect?

Stop playing the victim card everyone! This pervades our culture.

Does a bad carpenter blame his tools? NO.

I dwell over the people from my past, so I can enjoy the people that are part of the now.

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Two Years Ago...

Being raised in a family that takes deep pride in it's Irish roots, my mother passed down the traditional sayings, "Praise youth and it will prosper." The older I have gotten, the more I can appreciate this Irish Proverb, thus forcing myself to question: "What is youth? When do we know we are no longer young?"

Today I attended the Providence Day School Graduation Ceremony. Whitney Fogle was the speaker and did an impeccable job. I remember when she was part of the Providence Day community as well among my brother, sister, and me. I looked out into the crowd and I saw old familiar faces of those who were part of my class. I wondered if the same thoughts were rushing through their head as well: "Where does time go?" I continued asking myself this question as the class of 2011 walked down the aisle in their cap and gown reminiscing the day, two years ago exactly, when I was doing the same thing with my best friends. Even today I remember how the day went, all the students entered their designated locker rooms and shared their excitement with each other.

We were done. Finally.

We were ready to make new friends, but never forget the old ones. We were ready to continue to the next phase of our lives, but never forget the phase that we all had shared with each other. Of course the girls took way too many pictures together, and the guys acted like they could have cared less (nice try, you never had us fooled).

Although high school left a sour taste in my mouth, I honored the lessons I learned through my social interactions.
1. NEVER will I let someone walk over me again. I don't care how mean, cold, or hateful my bluntness may come off. Today I can hold my head up high, and be confident in who I am. Take it or leave it.
2. Forgiveness is the first step towards peace and serenity within oneself. If we can't forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have made, then how can we forgive others?
3. Sadness is one of the most beautiful aspects of life. Without it, we would not appreciate the simplistic things that bring us joy.
4. Love yourself. Simple as that.

As I wrap up my first official post, I would like to end it with this:

"Turn your scars into stars! Turn your problems into possibilities!"

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